Thursday, July 31, 2008

Two Steps Forward, You Know The Drill

Is it the law of the universe that as soon as you say things are going well that they go a bit pear shaped? It seems to be the way of things at the moment. Skip this post if you can't be bothered with my trivial worries today.

Today at work I had one of those uncomfortable settling in moments with someone else in the office. Stupid. Nothing major, but uncomfortable all the same. I overreacted to a situation and they let me know it. I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling uncomfortable and worrying about what they thought of me. So stupid. Seriously, it was a tiny, tiny little thing.

I wish I could just let things go. I have so much trouble letting things go. I'm also have so much difficulty forgiving myself for not being perfect, for overreacting, for just being human. How I want to find my way with this. I crave some respite from overthinking and worry. I want a break from constantly worry about what people think about me. I want to be able to live a messy, happy human existence without constantly feeling embarrassed about things I say or do that are so small in the scheme of things.

If I had joined in This Is... last Sunday when you got to choose your own theme I would have posted This Is...What I Really, Really Want. I want to be healthy. I want my physical and emotional health back. I'm on the way. I'm doing all the right things. Chinese medicine, walking, being creative, listening to lots of music and getting back to healthy eating. This evening I added a nice gentle Hatha Yoga into the mix. In fact, I doubt I could be doing a better job than what I'm doing.

Days like today it just won't happen fast enough. Days like today I want to be untouchable. I want to be free of the self-doubt and self-consciousness. Days like today I can see all the things that I haven't managed to incorporate yet. I'm not reading and I want to be. I spend to much time blogging and don't dedicate time to other interests. I still eat too much chocolate. I'm sure you know how it goes.

One step back. It was only yesterday I was saying how cruisy everything was feeling.

15 comments:

AnastasiaC said...

sorry to hear you had an iffy moment with a collegue -you should come visit my office!...dont be so hard on yourself, we all want to feel that way but at the end of the day we're all the same - we're thinkers and analyzers we get upset and worry, dont see it as a bad thing...you are only human((hugs))

CurlyPops said...

So sorry that you had a crappy day. It's really hard to let it go and not worry about it...I often lose sleep over ridiculous things that I worry about.
I hope that tomorrow is better and that the sun shines and that you have a lovely walk listening to your new ipod.

Melanie Gray Augustin said...

Sweetie (hope you don't mind me calling you sweetie), a big hug for you. I know those moments and how hard it can be to let them go no matter how much you want to.

I hope you get to run yourself a nice warm bath, take in a glass of wine and hot chocolate and let it run over you.

Sending you lots of feel better vibes.

A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! Hope tomorrow is a much brighter day for you.

Michelle said...

I think you are being too hard on yourself.

And if it wasn't you writing that blog post, it could well be me just 2 months ago. Scary similar.

Nothing is going to be perfect every day, whether at work or at home. And it's because of that the other great days seems all that much better.

Sherrin said...

(((hugs))) Cathy. I hope you're feeling better soon. Days like that are hard, and all those emotions and feelings are so intense. (prolly doesn't help, but I reckon you're pretty ace!! ;o) )

Sasparilla Sue said...

I tend to be the same way. I'll beat myself up for hours over one little sentence I feel I shouldn't have said. I don't really have any sage advice on how to let things go but I can tell you that taking comfort in the friends and family that you have around you that know what a lovely person you truly are is the best medicine.

I hope your Friday is much much better! *hugs*

JustJess said...

Insert *Squeezy hug* here. I think we all have these doubts Cath - it's disturbing when we feel like this at work, but really, you are such a wonderful person, with lots of bloggy support, Miss L, family, and of course everyone's favourite: Big Cat himself. Be gentle on yourself, you're the only one of you you've got! x

Marita said...

Hope today is a good one, I suffer from foot in mouth and am constantly cursing myself, in fact only yesterday as well. If I'm rational I also know that other people probably forget about it minutes later, but not me. Take care.

Jenaveve said...

Nature of the beast hey? Don't you hate that self doubt emotion... As you say, two steps forward, only a baby step back but boy it can throw you.

Some wise soul once told me that when you start positive life changing things (like getting healthy, doing yoga, etc) that your body goes into a little bit of shock and that can make you feel unsettled for a few days? Keep on that bandwagon though - it may be some unsettled feelings of newness toying with your emotions that make it all seem so much worse, especially 'tiny things' as you describe... Hopefully soon 'letting go' will become that much easier. Hope your Friday is much brighter!

Drewzel said...

More hugs for you!
You're doing all the right things, so don't beat yourself up, just keep putting those feet forward...as well as you can manage. xx

Serena said...

Sorry to hear you had a poo day at work... there's nothing worse. Although I'm sure all will work out in the end for a lovely girl such as yourself...

two cold feet said...

Cath, you spelled it out perfectly. You are getting so much better at sharing on here! Boy do I know that feeling. You just do your best and when that is questioned it is like a brick drops into your stomach and neck. You then question everything you have ever done, because you were doing your best then too. Part of why I am so anti social is those feelings. It will make you stronger and better though, but that doesn't make it easier now.

I also know what you mean about improvement. Things go sooo slow that it sometimes feels all the effort is for nothing. I think it does get better, just little by little. You hang in there girl, I know you can do it. Thanks for the sweet comments about Bertha, I knew you would understand. Talk soon, Love Stacy

Maureen said...

Another hug from another fellow human. Perfect isn't possible tho some people...moi???...tend to think it is. I have a cartoon..

woman is reading bedtime story to child...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who thought things could be perfect. The end. (smile)

The more good habits and behaviors you embrace, the more the negative things will jump out at you because they don't fit in the new lifestyle you're now walking. A simple, honest "I'm sorry." is often all it takes. You're on your way, hon!

Karin said...

I just wanted to add in my ((((((((hugs))))))))) and let you know that I read this. One thing we all know for sure, days pass and events within them soften. We can only be where we are in the moment, no matter where that may be.

It sounds like you are doing good things for yourself. I need to practice that as well. And don't worry about the chocolate. It's one of the true pleasures in life!